Faith

It was March 2005 and myself and a small group of friends travelled to Assisi in Italy for the Easter celebrations.

We had a wonderful week, Assisi is a truly magical place and the spirit of St. Francis seems to reach into every corner of this beautiful city. Our time there was I think as we’d hoped it would be, and though we were there for only a short time we returned feeling deeply moved, inspired and somehow, changed.

I’d felt the onset of this ‘shift’ weeks before we journeyed to Assisi. I remember feeling a strange ominous feeling, a sort of ‘before the storm’ sensation, electricity in the air, and it was odd because somehow I knew that whatever it was, was going to be both terrible and wonderful all at the same time. I was right.

Days after returning from Italy my hands erupted in eczema. At first I wasn’t too concerned, I’d had the occasional flare up before, stress related usually, nothing to worry about. But then it started to spread. It became so severe that I began to look (as a friend so eloquently pointed out) like a burns victim. Mornings were dreadful and I would have to peel myself off the bed sheets before hobbling downstairs to inspect the damage…was it any better? Was it any worse? Could I go out today? But I couldn’t because everything seemed to aggravate it…sun, pollen, pollution, dust and everything I ate seemed to affect it too. I ate pretty healthily anyway, but now, through process of elimination I had been left with a diet of just raw vegetables and it seemed to me that even that was causing the eczema to flare. Then the boils began. I prayed it would be only 1 or 2 but soon my body was covered in them. Over a period of about 5 months I had nearly 30 of them, all very large, all very ugly and all very painful. I was totally distraught.

In times of great need it’s natural for us to look to others for direction. Often we find ourselves in such a state of chaos and confusion that seeing a way forward becomes as impossible as seeing through a blindfold. Some are able to turn to religion for comfort and support, some to loved ones, others may find solace in music, art, literature. History past and present has supplied and continues to supply us with a wealth of saints, saviours, leaders, warriors and visionaries. Even those who feel they have no need of outside influence will find inspiration in a sunset, and the fact that we all look to different sources for inspiration is a wonderful thing because it makes this earth rich with variety. We’re all looking at the same beauty, the same truth, just from different perspectives. What a wonderful world this would be if we were able to share those multiple visions of faith with one another openly and joyously, no judgment, no ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’, no arrogance or ego just a simple, heartfelt sharing of ways. After all, for what reason was variety born if not to celebrate the originality of life? To be scornful of it is to be scornful of creation, which makes for an empty and misinformed experience. If we value the rose above all other flowers should it mean we can’t find appreciation for the others? And just because we place our attention on only one blossom does it make the rest any less perfect? Of course not! It simply means that we deny ourselves the blessing of having a garden filled with contrast and colour and forfeit the enrichment that life brings.

So whatever path is followed, whatever beliefs are held, it’s important we recognise that what’s right and good for one isn’t necessarily right and good for the other. And equally, whatever path we do choose to follow, if it doesn’t direct us within to our own hearts, if it doesn’t encourage us to realise that the final reality is that we are our own teacher and as such hold the answers to whatever questions or difficulties we may have, then the teaching or channel is flawed and unworthy of the position it’s been appointed in our lives. 2005 was the year that brought me to that understanding and finally made clear to me the true value and meaning of faith.

I discovered my own chosen path in the winter of 2002, 2 years or so before the trip to Assisi. I had been led to a little town in Germany where the Balinese Energy Master, Ratu Bagus was holding a short 10 day retreat. I went for only 5 days and brief though the time was it was to mark the turning point in my life. My heart swelled with gratitude, I felt blessed beyond measure. I had spent only days with this remarkable man and yet my faith in him and the principles he taught and so embodied felt absolute.

Now however, 2 years on and faced with a body that was falling apart and a mind that was equally as debilitated, I was starting to wonder how much faith I really had. From the very beginning my heart was calling me to Ratu’s ashram in Bali, but I was afraid to go. The path that we follow isn’t for the faint-hearted. We’re taught how to tangibly feel the very real force that is energy, then harness it to effect direct and powerful change. Sometimes the transformation or healing is immediate, sometimes it takes time and sometimes we may have to endure temporary illness as our body throws off the poisons that the energy missiles have sought out and dislodged. Fortunately or unfortunately my ‘missiles’ seemed to be getting direct hits every time!

Bali was my answer. I knew it, but I just couldn’t find the courage to go. What if it got worse I thought? I would be leaving my family behind, my friends, how could I go all that way on my own? I wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t brave enough…I wasn’t ill enough! I gave myself every excuse and every reason I could think of not to go, and in my panic and frustration I tried every remedy, pill, potion and herb that I could lay my hands on, but it simply got worse.

5 months after returning from Assisi I reached my lowest point. I remember lying in bed and staring up at the ceiling in despair. I felt I finally understood why someone might contemplate suicide. It never seemed reasonable or justified before, ‘how selfish, how weak’, I thought, but now I understood. I understood how lonely it feels, how even when you’re surrounded by love you can still feel utterly isolated and misunderstood. How no one, however sensitive and compassionate they may be, can truly appreciate what you’re feeling inside. How frightening it is, how powerless you feel, how pointless it seems to fight back….and then how angry. Why me?...WHY ME??...Does the universe, does God hate me so much? Am I such a dreadful person? Why am I being punished? What do you expect me to do?! Go to Bali, my heart whispered, go to Bali.

That night I had a beautiful and vivid dream. In the dream Ratu came to me, he sat me down and smiled at me, and like a loving father tending his sick child, spoon-fed me pink medicine. I awoke with a start; it was so real I half expected him to be sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling, waiting. He was telling me to come to Bali, of course he was, it was the only way and I knew it. So I dug my heels in even further and buried my head as far beneath the sand as it would reach. I WOULD NOT GO! That morning I received a phone call from a friend. She knew nothing of what I was going through and incredibly had just phoned on the off chance. She was going to Bali in 5 days time, the companion she was due to go with had just dropped out, did I want to come instead? Finally the barriers came crashing down, I simply had nothing left to fight with, resistance fell away. I would go.

I spent only 10 days in Bali, but it was enough. During those days I sobbed, screamed and shook every emotional block and trauma that I could find clean out of my heart. I revisited the emotional pain and anger that I had fostered and repressed during the 7 long years of anorexia and bulimia which had blighted my life as a teenager. On the final day I remember an extraordinary sensation flowing through my body like something very large, very black and very heavy being washed out, then I felt a sudden stillness, a lightness that I had never felt before….It’s gone, I heard myself saying…It’s really gone! From that moment I began to heal and within months my skin was softer and more radiant than I had ever known it.

I often wonder what would have happened had I listened to my heart and gone to Bali at the very start. But then I look back at what those 5 months taught me and I know it couldn’t have been any other way.

Each of us must find our ‘faith’. Yes, it is a direction, a path that we choose to take, which if we know it to be one that helps us to grow in love, wisdom and self-knowledge, should be embraced with deepest joy and devotion. But more than that, and primarily, faith is a matter of the heart, because if we don’t trust in ourselves, if we cannot access the wisdom of our own hearts what hope do we have of understanding the true value of life or of the teachings we follow. We will spend an eternity listening to the fanciful philosophies of those who themselves have no understanding of truth and no access to the true channels of inner wisdom. We’ll be left to roam this earth lost and bewildered, forever striving for that thing or that one who we imagine will lead us to happiness and salvation. But we are the seeker and the thing sought. We have everything we could ever need right here, right now. All we have to do is turn within, listen to our hearts, have faith in ourselves and follow whichever course our soul steers us toward. There’s nothing to fear because faith is our protector, guiding us through all the storms of life and delivering us safely to that place where we might look back upon the turbulent waters and marvel at how far we’ve come and how high we’ve risen above the raging tempest. The journey is possible and faith is the billowing sail upon our ship which carries us swiftly to our destination.

#faith #healing #RatuBagus